I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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