I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
