Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
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just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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