dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I don't think brook has ever known best
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
