I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
