She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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