no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
