from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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