Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
