Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
