I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
