if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
