sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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