you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I CAN MOONWALK!
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
