Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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