im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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