Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
