My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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