I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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