I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
