I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
