i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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