I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I party with great urgency now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
