i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
