remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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