this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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