Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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