she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
