yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
