OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
