We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
