Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
