I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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