i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
