i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
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