Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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