why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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