i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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