my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
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Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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