I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
