so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
