i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
wow bdsm is so cute
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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