i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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