i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just invented taco cereal.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
