Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
