just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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