The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
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I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
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I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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