"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
