i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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