My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
