alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
