Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
