WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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