remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
