Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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