i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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