My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
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I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?