just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
