i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
