They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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