when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
