Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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