Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
